Yesterday I had a migraine. I very rarely get headaches, but when I do, it’s usually bad. It always starts slowly, a dull pounding underneath one eyebrow, then it spreads to the whole front of my face before I realize what’s happening. Unfortunately, nothing helps this type of headache except to lock myself away in a dark room with no noise, drink lots of water, and just try to tough it out.
As I sat curled up on the floor in the soundless black of my bathroom, breathing through the waves of head-throbbing pain and nausea, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself at the situation.
You see, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I’m a control freak. I’m organized. I plan things. And when things don’t go the way I’m expecting them to, it’s as if my brain gets dazed and confused that something other than what I’ve planned is happening. And obviously, no one in their right mind would plan to get a migraine!
Back to poor little me on the bathroom floor. At first, in the fleeting moments when the pain would subside, I tried to think of something, anything, that would make it go away, or at least lessen it. But then, as the minutes ticked by, I slowly realized that I had already done everything I could and all there was left to do was be.
And then, to my surprise, I felt something interesting … relief. Not physical relief — the aching didn’t go away, and the nausea was still there, but mentally and emotionally there was a weight lifted by simply acknowledging my powerlessness at that moment.
In life there are always times and situations when we are handed an outcome that we didn’t want or expect, and we are left thinking about what else we could have done, what we might still be able to do, or what we could do in the future to prevent something similar from happening again. Sometimes it can be good to examine things in this way, but in the spiritual life, this type of overanalyzing is often a subtle grasping for control because we aren’t good at trusting God and letting Him be — well, God. Maybe He’s not working fast enough for us and that makes us anxious, or maybe something happens and instead of resolving it right away, He just wants us to be still and wait, patiently present to the now.
This idea is at odds with our society, which sends a very clear message that unless we’re “doing” something, we’re not useful, valuable, or good enough. Forget being still and doing nothing — even slowing down is out of the question. So the concept of accepting one’s helplessness in a given situation, or rather, life in general, and admitting to a complete dependence on God has become unnatural for us, and is seen as weak or unintelligent. And yet, this is exactly what will bring us the relief that sometimes we don’t even know we need.
It is only when we stop long enough to breathe, close our eyes, and acknowledge that we are totally helpless without God’s grace that we can truly be free. When we embrace the moment we are in and surrender it to the Lord, that is when the burden is lifted and we realize He was just waiting for us to stop trying so hard and let Him handle things.
And even though our struggles may not end immediately, at least we will have allowed the Lord to take away any unnecessary pressure we may have put on ourselves, and will be more free to receive His grace.
So this week, as we re-enter ordinary time, let’s ask the Lord for the strength to humbly acknowledge our weakness and rely on His strength; to really accept the truth that we are unable to save or sustain ourselves, remembering that He is our Savior; and to take this season to “let go and let God,” allowing Him to work in our lives in a new way.
